Update about eating disorder

The Healthy Eating Pyramid, from the Harvard School of Public Health (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Back in March I had wrote a post ranting about eating and food.  In that post I mentioned that I had reached 99 lbs.  Unfortunately within a short time after that I had dropped down to 95 lbs.  I am happy to say that I am back up to 99 lbs.  I am hoping and feeling somewhat confident that I will be able to rise above that magic number.

For some reason there is not the panic and kicking and screaming going on in my head this time. Ok, maybe a little panic but no kicking and screaming.  After talking with S about it yesterday I realize a few things about why this is.  For one I was still reeling from Easter,   it is a very triggering time of year for my system.  Especially feelings of being evil, not deserving anything good in life, much less life itself.  Two I also had an open EMDR target over Easter weekend which is difficult to deal with on its own.  Throw in an anniversary of trauma and it becomes hell.  Third while I was trying to cope with all these things which trigger my ED and self harm behaviors I was very new to being the host.  I had not found my host groove so to speak before having a crisis thrown at me.

Today I am settled into my host groove and have recouped from the holiday and have since moved past the target.  I also have got better at containment of open EMDR targets which is very helpful.  Even though all those thoughts that I posted in the rant about eating post are still in my head with the help of others in the system I am not being as affected by them.  I still don’t like eating but am doing it anyway because it needs to be done.

I have decided not to focus on take in so many calories to gain the weight that I need to.  Calorie counting is a dangerous place for me to go, it creates a lot of anxiety.  Instead I am just focusing on making sure I eat every 3-5 hours and to try to keep the small meals balanced as far as food groups go.  So that is the plan for now fingers crossed it continues to work.  If not well then I will just have to reevaluate the plan and make adjustments.

Very Triggered Today

Easter has always been a difficult day for us.  But today we are having a harder time than usual coping with it.  I don’t know if it is because we are alone and don’t have anyone here to distract us or if there is another reason.

What I do know is that we are bombarded with flashbacks, body memories, raging emotions, intrusive images and feeling an extreme urge to punish myself.

I started writing this post because I have so much going through my head that I thought it would be good to get it out but I am so scattered now that I can’t find the words to type.  So, I guess this is going to be a short post.  Guess I will crawl back in bed and bury myself under the covers and hope this day hurries up and gets over.